Guy Thinks He Is the Shit Funny

When we did a story in Cosmo last year about the ridiculous/crazy/hilarious things that came out of guys' mouths, the response was huge. (And we're still cracking up at some of those gems.) So we decided to round up our favorites from 2011 that are sure to leave you laughing — and wondering WTF goes on inside the male brain...

1 of 20

"My ex once asked, 'How do you girls pee if you have a tampon in there? Doesn't it just soak it all up?' It's hysterical how little guys know." Sarah

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

2 of 20

"We were having sex and he said, 'You're so tight, it's like having sex with a pencil sharpener. I mean, without the blade...and stuff.'" Erin

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

3 of 20

"An ex once told me that women may have to deal with period issues, but guys have it way worse because they have 'inner butt hair'. When I pressed him on it, he said, 'Do you have any idea how difficult it makes wiping back there?'" Joanna

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate." title="" class="lazyimage lazyload" data-src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f975770769_-_cos-tara-smgs-090711-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*" src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f975770769_-_cos-tara-smgs-090711-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*">

4 of 20

We were showering together and I realized he was putting conditioner on his pubes and chest hair. He explained, Its important that it be soft and silky. He was totally serious. Tara

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

5 of 20

"Soon after we first met he said, 'Please, keep your finger out of my butthole. Some chicks are freaky so I'm just getting it out of the way.'"

—Amy

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

6 of 20

"He asked if gravity kept girls from getting pregnant when they are on top." Julie

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

7 of 20

couple looking at each other

"Him: I love your eyes. Me: Oh yeah? Why? Him: 'Cause when you get excited they look like gremlin eyes.' Yup, that was a compliment."
—Sasha

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

8 of 20

couple hugging

"My boyfriend once said, 'I wish there were more hours in a day. Like 12 for sleeping and 12 for everything else.'" —Cristina

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate. " title="" class="lazyimage lazyload" data-src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f974ed2677_-_cos-cassie-smgs-817-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*" src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f974ed2677_-_cos-cassie-smgs-817-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*">

9 of 20

He says, I hear circus music in my head during and after sex. Um...really? Cassie

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate. " title="" class="lazyimage lazyload" data-src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f975083ef8_-_cos-nikita-smgs-817-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*" src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f975083ef8_-_cos-nikita-smgs-817-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*">

10 of 20

My boyfriend asked me, Will you get your period sooner if we have a lot of sex? Like if we do it harder? Kinda like a plunger? Nikita

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate." title="" class="lazyimage lazyload" data-src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f974cefac0_-_cgx1106114a-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*" src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f974cefac0_-_cgx1106114a-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*">

11 of 20

My bra size is a 36DD and one morning as we were lying in bed I noticed he was holding both cups of the bra in each hand very intrigued. Finally he said, Baby! I can eat cereal out of these! Stefani

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

12 of 20

couple on couch

"My boyfriend tried to convince me that I'm the reason he farts so much: 'You just make me feel more relaxed than I've ever felt.'" —Maria

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate. " title="" class="lazyimage lazyload" data-src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f974e942ef_-_cos-amber-smgs-817-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*" src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f974e942ef_-_cos-amber-smgs-817-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*">

13 of 20

My ex named his junk Jimmy Neutron, and the first time we had sex, just as he was finishing he exclaimed, Brain blast! Uh? Amber

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

14 of 20

"One night I was leaning on his stomach and I guess my elbow was digging into him. He told me, 'Babe, get up. You're hurting my ovaries.' I think he was serious and I couldn't help but burst out laughing."

—Christine

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

15 of 20

"We were getting doughnuts and I asked him what kind he wanted. He said, 'I like my women like I like my doughnuts—glazed.' I have no idea what he meant." —Meagan

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

16 of 20

couple,

"My husband randomly asked, 'If you got a yeast infection, which is gross, could I put flour in your vagina and make bread?' Um, seriously?" —Mrskkoch

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

17 of 20

"He told me, 'I'll do laundry when I'm broke. Until then I buy new underwear.'" —Dayor

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

18 of 20

couple on couch

"The other night, while sitting on the couch with my boyfriend, he all of a sudden put his hand on my boobs, sighed, and said, 'I'm home.' When I looked confused, he added, 'Home is where the boobs are!'"
—Lettuce21742

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate." title="" class="lazyimage lazyload" data-src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f974d6ff82_-_cos0710fascinatingfacts035-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*" src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f974d6ff82_-_cos0710fascinatingfacts035-lgn.jpg?resize=480:*">

19 of 20

I told him I gained two pounds this summer, and he said, So? I take sh*ts bigger than that. Gross. Sam

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

20 of 20

couple hugging

"Once, while we were lounging and he was rubbing my legs, he said, 'Your legs are so beautiful they make up for your shortness.' Thanks."
—leemurfoo

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

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Source: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g1617/shit-my-guy-says-stupid-things-men-say-2011/

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